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L

Light Housework spirit #1

Guest
I click into chaturbate
Wearing my new shoes
To watch and pay
My coloring book is tossed aside for another day
It is almost time for a snooze
But it will have to wait

My new shoes are orange and red
I cannot believe what that person in the chat just said
Now my tokens are almost gone
It is dawn
 

rifke

ladies bear (inquire within)
Very perceptive. I can totally relate to all of that. In fact, I went through a similar thing about a year ago. I became obsessed with the time when I first left home, in the early 80s, and how I yearned to go back and do it all better (the fact that I was totally miserable was conveniently airbrushed out of the yearning). I spent hours on Google maps, looking up the addresses of all the grim bedsits I stayed in, and trying to find the people I knew back then on Facebook. I even hammered out a plot for a novel based on someone old who meets and befriends their younger self. I am not exaggerating when I say it consumed me. What I learned from this was instructive.

The main thing was the obvious one: everything changes. The snapshot you carry in your head from an earlier time is useless, because it's just a moment that no longer exists. The pictures I saw on Google maps shocked and saddened me. There were fast new roads built with whole streets knocked down to accommodate them; the music shop where I worked was standing empty, and the town I lived in had been paved over and pedestrianised (and not in a good way - it looked like it was dying on its feet).

I tried to find the owner of the music shop I worked in - he and his wife were very good to me and I even stayed with them for a while. Then I found he had died of lung cancer, just weeks earlier. I looked up another couple who had taken me in, for whom I had such affection - their whole family was so funny and creative and they had included me in everything, at a really shitty time in my life. Surely they would still be there? Maybe I could visit them! Surely they would be delighted to see me! I found their house online but it looked different. When I finally tracked them down I found they had moved to the Isle of Wight fifteen years ago. We exchanged a couple of newsy emails, but their life had moved on in ways I hadn't anticipated.

I felt really stupid for expecting everything to be the same, but it was a useful way to put the yearning to bed. Who knows what set it off? My eldest son was a similar age I was when I started out on my own, calamity-strewn adult life, which I think was a factor. But like you say, when you're sensitive, it doesn't take much. I think this Covid business has ushered in such a weird time, because it feels historic - it's almost like we're looking back on it, even while we're in it. It feels portentous - and at times like that, we tend to look back and take stock. Perhaps that's why you're feeling so lachrymose at present.
everything hasnt changed though! i havent changed!! i mean, i have in the sense i think that i feel less alive, less filled up with emotion all the time (which is why im sort of enjoying this little lachrymose spell i've been having. it feels good to have emotion). but other than that im pretty much the same as i was at 20 (with the one difference that i have developed the morrissey attitude to life, where you expect the worst ahead of time and when it happens are smugly satisfied that you have been confirmed in your hard-won wisdom, an ingenius little way of responding to life if you ask me). so i dont know why things have to change. im not into that "life as a journey" bullshit. it's so condescending. you'd have to have very limited knowledge and not be objective at all to pretend that life is actually a journey. forgive me but there just ARENT that many mysteries. if you're objective even in the slightest than you can already see the outcomes of everything in advance and so have no need to actually live any of it. therefore i cant sing the praises of change. change is for people who cant see past the end of their noses.

but i was so fond of myself as a young person, i cant even tell you. i was exactly my type of girl, which is to say, nobody elses type of girl. i remember a few years ago when my sisters cat died (was it in august i wonder?) i experienced a similar sadness as im experiencing now, not because of the cat (although there is something particularly sad about cats dying, im not sure what it is) but because it brought up with great immediacy memories of myself when i was younger, when it was a kitten and it would sit and knead on my $300 gianfranco ferre sweater (which at the time i was really proud of because it was the most expensive item i had bought with my own money and the knit was so fine and silky and i felt it was VERY cosmopolitan) while i made scrapbooks. it was the memory of me that i was mourning! i dont think the snapshots in your head are useless at all. as viktor frankl said "having been is a kind of being and perhaps the surest kind". it's just so sad that you cant become more of yourself over time, a concentration of yourself, full of all the things you've incorporated into your being through love of those things, but instead have to watch yourself erode and everything you built up inside of you lose it's value. it's just such a bad f***ing set up. if i could sell my soul to the devil to stay young forever i would (do you hear that devil?!?! im making you an offer!!)

i dont think this covid stuff feels historic, i think it feels like tedious bullshit. and i dont think ill ever put my nostalgic yearnings to rest. i know what you mean though, i do the same thing. sometimes i walk down streets here where i used to walk when i was a teenager and absorb the feeling, but it makes me feel like one of those ghosts in harry potter who cant actually eat food but if they pass through it they can get a sense for what it must taste like. anyway, that's interesting that you did that, pep. i think it's human nature especially if you're a writer, to want to see how things turned out, what course they took in life. i kind of feel the need to see how jason turned out. i think im going to incorporate him in my memoir, which is not going to be just about being too sophisticated for my life, but also it's going to touch on themes of nostalgia, memory, identity, aging, living a meaningless/meaningful life, etc. and it's going to take place over the course of three weeks in august during covid-19 (that is, now), and it's going to begin with my dream which then sets off all these ruminations and meditations and anecdotes on these various themes (it's still going to be massively funny, i promise). i wonder if jason will meet me if i tell him that he's a character in my book and for that i need to see how he's turned out in life? i mean, it would be research, which is entirely within my purview as a writer, is it not? of course i have to have a huge chunk of my book written before i do that so that ill have the muse behind me and it wont just seem like a desperate ploy to meet and ogle him (which it isnt).
 
Last edited:

rifke

ladies bear (inquire within)
Glad to hear it!
You know, where you have to go out for dinner with your work colleagues* and be sociable because it's Christmas? Which, I admit, can be fun if you like your colleagues. But seeing as my boss (in a London bookshop) was embezzling money from the till and trying to pin the blame on me and a colleague for 'being careless', it wasn't my favourite way to pass a couple of hours. We only went Greek because she was obsessed with the island of Skiathos and had some silent, hairy Greek bloke on the go.

*Variations on this theme may include: an all-expenses-paid piss-up in a swanky hotel; a low-rent piss-up in a sweaty tapas bar; a few bottles of warm Tesco Chablis and a plate of sausage rolls in the Accounts department. (Actually, thinking about it, I've been to all of those in the course of my working life.)
oh haha, i see. i would never feel like i have to go out for dinner with my work colleagues and be sociable. the way i see it, if i want to see people from work (and i dont), ill go to work.

"some silent, hairy greek bloke on the go" :lbf:
 

Light Housework

Hunchback of Solow
Subscriber
I click into chaturbate
Wearing my new shoes
To watch and pay
My coloring book is tossed aside for another day
It is almost time for a snooze
But it will have to wait

My new shoes are orange and red
I cannot believe what that person in the chat just said
Now my tokens are almost gone
It is dawn
Chaturbate will have to wait
I've got to save my pennies for the day
I print my memoir
Hooray
I told 1ui5
I'll tip him again come xmas
He was cool with that
He's my muse for life
 
L

Light Housework spirit #2

Guest
My book will be self published soon
I've worked on it all afternoon
In it I will draw on a lot of my own experiences and fears
Such as the dozens of men who stalked me for years
In shopping malls
And gas stations and all

I'm lucky I didn't encounter a Jack the Ripper
When I was a stripper
Twirling around my pole
Some guy out on parole
With an undone zipper
And malevolent soul

Did I ever mention the time I was chased to the top of CN tower
For what seemed like hours
By a man drunk on power

It was a long time ago
Maybe I saw it in a film or on a crime show
I don't really know
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
if you're objective even in the slightest than you can already see the outcomes of everything in advance and so have no need to actually live any of it.
It's a shame you can't have this same attitude towards your morrissey-solo posts. "I can already see the outcomes of everything I'll post in advance and so have no need to actually post any of it."
 

Light Housework

Hunchback of Solow
Subscriber
My book will be self published soon
I've worked on it all afternoon
In it I will draw on a lot of my own experiences and fears
Such as the dozens of men who stalked me for years
In shopping malls
And gas stations and all

I'm lucky I didn't encounter a Jack the Ripper
When I was a stripper
Twirling around my pole
Some guy out on parole
With an undone zipper
And malevolent soul

Did I ever mention the time I was chased to the top of CN tower
For what seemed like hours
By a man drunk on power

It was a long time ago
Maybe I saw it in a film or on a crime show
I don't really know
Wow, I'm impressed how you've captured the essence of what it was like being stalked. You've got my adrenaline going a trickle.
 

Light Housework

Hunchback of Solow
Subscriber
My book will be self published soon
I've worked on it all afternoon
In it I will draw on a lot of my own experiences and fears
Such as the dozens of men who stalked me for years
In shopping malls
And gas stations and all

I'm lucky I didn't encounter a Jack the Ripper
When I was a stripper
Twirling around my pole
Some guy out on parole
With an undone zipper
And malevolent soul

Did I ever mention the time I was chased to the top of CN tower
For what seemed like hours
By a man drunk on power

It was a long time ago
Maybe I saw it in a film or on a crime show
I don't really know
Being stalked to the extent I was
It's unlikely you'll ever know
But if you do, you'll understand how silent I am.
What a painful understanding
But scrape the barrel
Leave your DNA
 
L

Light Housework spirit #3

Guest
My walking partner said he would read my book
Actually he said he would "give it a look"
I wasn't too impressed and accidentally walked into the dirt
I should try to be more alert
My new shoes are ruined and my ankles hurt
 

rifke

ladies bear (inquire within)
This is an adult forum. You embarrass all its members and bring the quality of the forum down when you post stuff like this. Cringe is not a strong enough word to describe what I'm guessing is the majority of our reactions. Urbanus is only encouraging you because he likes watching train wrecks and other things of highly questionable content.
 

Light Housework

Hunchback of Solow
Subscriber
This is an adult forum. You embarrass all its members and bring the quality of the forum down when you post stuff like this. Cringe is not a strong enough word to describe what I'm guessing is the majority of our reactions. Urbanus is only encouraging you because he likes watching train wrecks and other things of highly questionable content.
You embarrass me with your lack of faith in humanity.
 
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