neonmad
一日三秋 (yírìsānqiū)
First of all, HE IS OK...
I was hesitant to post this as I don't want to betray/exploit my brother or anything, but it's… a very big deal and is going to be on my mind forevermore.
I arrived home from work last night to news that the hospital had called my mother because my brother hanged himself the night before!
I have to admit I was dumbfounded.
I thought if any of us were going to do that, it would have been our dad or me as we've both considered it. But in my own haze of depression I never saw red flags surrounding my brother.
He's been isolated, stressed, fatigued, ill, bored, dissatisfied, even unhappy...but I don't think it even crossed my mind that he might be unhappy enough to lose all hope and kill himself. I thought he could never fall prey to the same degree of weakness I have battled.
(As I write this, a Ken Burns documentary about Samuel Clemens has just recounted his suicide attempt.) It makes me sick to think of him all alone deciding that was the best option. He lost consciousness, but then came to and got scared whereupon a roommate had arrived and called an ambulance for him.
My mom was anxious when he didn't call last Sunday, but we know he has a demanding schedule and sometimes is too tired to call or doesn't have anything to say; she was more nervous when he didn't call this Sunday. But we did not call him. My dad had been calling, but always got his voicemail. I can't even recall the last thing he had said to us 2 weeks ago.
Him being (my little brother) in the military, I've cried imagining him dying or being severely injured, but I never thought it would be his choice.
Mom’s flown out to be with him – she should be arriving very soon now – but probably won’t be able to see him until tomorrow evening since visiting hours are 5-8 p.m. How do I know this? Because my brother actually called here today, sounding quite normal, and was surprised to learn that she is making the trek! He made it sound like the whole matter had been blown out of proportion! But that’s how he is, I guess - we try to keep things to ourselves so as not to freak others out or drive them away, and then that’s exactly what happens. He said it was a “long story” and didn’t have much time to talk, so I can only speculate for now…
I just wanted to get this out there because it’s a life-changing thing for us and it really illustrates that you can’t assume that you know what’s truly going on with someone. I like to think that I know him extremely well because we grew up together and are more closely related to each other than we are to anyone else. I didn’t realize how dangerously similar we are.
My second-ever memory is of the day he was born, wanting to hold him in the hospital. Now I just want to do that again.
Ironically, our dad’s most recent wife had just now sent out the pictures from one of his military school graduation ceremonies early last year. It is chilling to think that they could have been the final pictures we had of him.
I was already feeling guilty because I recently booked an international trip that I hadn’t even told him about yet. I knew he probably wouldn’t be able to come along. I still haven’t told him. Mom has been wanting us to go see him, but I instead insisted we should take advantage of this since it’s a rare bargain and we can go over to see him some other time! Ugh! I still haven’t told my dad because I really didn’t know what to say, but he told me to go ahead and say whatever I want. So I will, because he needs to know what’s going on with his son after all. Won't be nice for him to realize it happened on Father's Day...
I hate to think he will never be ok, that this will always be hanging over him. But maybe it will be ok enough. It has to be.
I was hesitant to post this as I don't want to betray/exploit my brother or anything, but it's… a very big deal and is going to be on my mind forevermore.
I arrived home from work last night to news that the hospital had called my mother because my brother hanged himself the night before!
I have to admit I was dumbfounded.
I thought if any of us were going to do that, it would have been our dad or me as we've both considered it. But in my own haze of depression I never saw red flags surrounding my brother.
He's been isolated, stressed, fatigued, ill, bored, dissatisfied, even unhappy...but I don't think it even crossed my mind that he might be unhappy enough to lose all hope and kill himself. I thought he could never fall prey to the same degree of weakness I have battled.
(As I write this, a Ken Burns documentary about Samuel Clemens has just recounted his suicide attempt.) It makes me sick to think of him all alone deciding that was the best option. He lost consciousness, but then came to and got scared whereupon a roommate had arrived and called an ambulance for him.
My mom was anxious when he didn't call last Sunday, but we know he has a demanding schedule and sometimes is too tired to call or doesn't have anything to say; she was more nervous when he didn't call this Sunday. But we did not call him. My dad had been calling, but always got his voicemail. I can't even recall the last thing he had said to us 2 weeks ago.
Him being (my little brother) in the military, I've cried imagining him dying or being severely injured, but I never thought it would be his choice.
Mom’s flown out to be with him – she should be arriving very soon now – but probably won’t be able to see him until tomorrow evening since visiting hours are 5-8 p.m. How do I know this? Because my brother actually called here today, sounding quite normal, and was surprised to learn that she is making the trek! He made it sound like the whole matter had been blown out of proportion! But that’s how he is, I guess - we try to keep things to ourselves so as not to freak others out or drive them away, and then that’s exactly what happens. He said it was a “long story” and didn’t have much time to talk, so I can only speculate for now…
I just wanted to get this out there because it’s a life-changing thing for us and it really illustrates that you can’t assume that you know what’s truly going on with someone. I like to think that I know him extremely well because we grew up together and are more closely related to each other than we are to anyone else. I didn’t realize how dangerously similar we are.
My second-ever memory is of the day he was born, wanting to hold him in the hospital. Now I just want to do that again.
Ironically, our dad’s most recent wife had just now sent out the pictures from one of his military school graduation ceremonies early last year. It is chilling to think that they could have been the final pictures we had of him.
I was already feeling guilty because I recently booked an international trip that I hadn’t even told him about yet. I knew he probably wouldn’t be able to come along. I still haven’t told him. Mom has been wanting us to go see him, but I instead insisted we should take advantage of this since it’s a rare bargain and we can go over to see him some other time! Ugh! I still haven’t told my dad because I really didn’t know what to say, but he told me to go ahead and say whatever I want. So I will, because he needs to know what’s going on with his son after all. Won't be nice for him to realize it happened on Father's Day...
I hate to think he will never be ok, that this will always be hanging over him. But maybe it will be ok enough. It has to be.