taken from my offline "rage journal" entry #4

*

2-28-10

mood: effin furious

I have decided to start a "rage journal" since these attacks seem to becoming more frequent as 2011 unfolds. I'd say I totally flip out at least once a week now & I mean like real bad. As I write this, I realize that its possible that this is not as often as it use to be, who knows, before I came here is all now a blur. Just writing this has calmed me down some and if memory serves, music helps to so I think I shall put a CD, let us hope it does not make it worse.

music: a mix cd picked @ random, this one is called GM7, I had no idea the first track would be "Come What May"

Woa, just listening to this song is turning my anger to sadness, I guess thats better though than the way I was feeling, right?
I don't know, I just don't know about anything. :confused:
Anyways, what I was so mad about hardly even seems worth writing about now.
F*ck, I put the CD on random and wouldn't you know it, track 5 comes up, "Voices Carry" Its hard not to hear this track and think how I use to be a bastard not unlike the jerk in the video, OK, I was nowhere near that bad, but still.
Hey wait a minute, am I going to stop beating myself up over that night? The damage is done, she is long gone now.
Sh*t, can't I think of anything positive?
I know, I have not weighed myself in like a week, maybe I have lost some weight, I'll go check now.

Well, I am back now & I think the last time I weighed myself it said 222 pounds, this time the scale said 220 exactly, I suppose thats progress, hey, at least its not worse.
Oh yeah, and well, Wednesday will mark 5 months clean, so thats something I guess, what a hard 5 months it has been though man.
OK, its after 6 pm, time for me to go eat some dinner, that will give some small pleasure.
Wow, how qucikly my rage turns to a whine. :cool:



*=smilies added "in post" to make this fun for me to re-read

Comments

Hi Robbie -

I just wanted to say congratulation on being 5 months clean, losing weight, and getting through (or working your way through) some tough times. Life is so hard, and we do make it even worse when we beat ourselves up for things that happened in the past. I've been trying to not forget, but forgive myself for damages in my past. Everyday I think of things I've done, or what a horrible person I am, and it's easy to fly into fits of rage. My rage turns to brutual sadness, however, and, well, sometimes I think that's even worse. I'd rather go insane with rage than to feel empty and lost - completely immobile because the sadness is so strong. At least with rage, it's over and done with.

Anyway, just a friendly note to say I can understand where you're coming from and that your accomplishments completely outweigh the rage. :)
 
hand in glove;bt68 said:
Hi Robbie -

I just wanted to say congratulation on being 5 months clean, losing weight, and getting through (or working your way through) some tough times. Life is so hard, and we do make it even worse when we beat ourselves up for things that happened in the past. I've been trying to not forget, but forgive myself for damages in my past. Everyday I think of things I've done, or what a horrible person I am, and it's easy to fly into fits of rage. My rage turns to brutual sadness, however, and, well, sometimes I think that's even worse. I'd rather go insane with rage than to feel empty and lost - completely immobile because the sadness is so strong. At least with rage, it's over and done with.

Anyway, just a friendly note to say I can understand where you're coming from and that your accomplishments completely outweigh the rage. :)
hey HinG, that was real nice of you to say, thanks. And yeah, I really think the next step for me is fighting the complete immobility which comes after, because its all a part of the vicious cycle :crazy: you know? :o
 
Yay for losing 2 pounds! And whenever you post your music lists I have no effing idea who you're talking about. :D
 
Yep, 2 pounds in 1 week, not bad :rolleyes: But believe me, it could have been worse, I expected it to say 225 :eek:
As for my lists, well, my music taste is pretty diverse & obscure, sorry :o


ps: of course, I have a bunch of real Moz albums, but there would be no point to posting that since I know what is on them :cool:
 

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