the therapeutic value of violence?

mood: this thing that happened just keep going around in my head
music: I started with "From Any Road" by Handsome Family since hearing that song forced me to write about what had happened a couple of days ago, after that was bunch of Nick Cave

Where to begin?
I don't know, but I gotta write it out, so here goes.
OK, something happened a couple of nights ago, but as I write this I should start before then.
So a little over week ago we had a meeting at work where J. spoke about how we should be a little extra careful when it comes to somebody robbing us and shit like that, seems like "Chinese New Years" is a time when many here get desperate since they are supposed to go home with gifts or "lose face".
Now I laughed in the meeting and said something like: "bring it" To which many laughed. Would I have said this under most circumstances? I think so, but all the "fake violence" work I did for a little movie likely did not help.
Anyways, getting on to what happened, S. & I had met some people at a bar called "Machu Picchu" but she had work at 8 so we were leaving, and since I was a little drunk, rather than walk her all the way home, I was going to get her cab home from around there. Now if I had just got here I woud have done so by walking to the nearest corner. However, since I have spent much time learning this city because its the sort of thing which is important to me, I knew that there is a big street with much more traffic down a little alley not far from the bar.
As we started down it, I sensed just a moment of hesitation on S.'s part but I just pushed on.
Then about half way through this dark place two Chinese guys appeared before us. Without thinking I stepped in front of S. as they screamed in Chinese and one of them sucker punched me in the belly. As I went down I saw a red masonry brick which was clipped at one side, perfect for me to grasp with the blunt side forward and I came up with it, perhaps with a smile already forming on my face. Regardless, the punk who hit me ran, so I advanced on the other one, which is when he pulled a switchblade. Looking back, I can now analyze what went through me and the truth is that while I love blades when they are in my hand, a good one feels like an extension of me, I cannot explain it, its magic, genes or whatever, but when confronted by someone armed with such and myself without one, the primary feeling is fear followed by the memory of the one time I was stabbed in my abdomen by an Amerasian gangster many many years. So if I had been alone facing a foe such as this, I can see how I would have ran, but that was not the case, all I could think about was S. her safety and more importantly to my mind at the time, HER HONOR, in some matter of miliseconds an image of him raping her flashed through me and my anger just reached a level it has not in longer than I can remember. Still he struck at me, leading with his blade like a moron and I easily struck his with my brick with all my might. The punk cried out with a pathetic "oww" as his knife fell to the ground. Then there was a crunch from his head as I brang the brick up into his head and now I had him against the wall and falling.
Even retelling this I must pause, the ecstasy of the moment still lingers. So as he started to slump I raised my brick over my head with both hands and was about to bring it down on this man's head when S. cried out: "Robby!"
And I stopped, yes, I stopped, I did not want to, S. left the alley, whistles blew, police came, reports were filed, I am now a part of the system here, all be it as a victim defending himself and another, which I am sure is what helps the situation, but yeah I have to press charges, or S. does, since I broke his jaw.
Also, S. looks at me differently, clearly I am her "knight in shining armor" but I suspect she saw something else when I was going to finish him off, what I don't know, could it be that my"O" face is what appears when I am a warrior about to kill at close quarters? :eek:
I don't know, dare I ask her?
No, I am afraid to, and there you have it, I am a man who can glory in fighting others in the dark, but I am terrified about talking about with her, hence this blog post.

Reading back, an actual burst of insight came to since I feel like there must be some componet to why my step has been lighter the last couple of days and the simple answer is that while the truth is I was actually "attacked". The fact is that in China we foriegners all feel a quality of being "under siege" for one reason or another, but this was one time in which I was able to defend myself and emerge "victorious". The truth is that since this incident I have been not only happier but nicer, I have more sympathy for others. Perhaps this is something which warriors like me need here in the 21st century when confronted with people of a place such as this (China) where being different is so hated and slighting us in so many ways is "the norm". Part of me knows its terrible to feel as I do, but then again, these people will not be so likely to mug others again.


Really interesting post. Insightful. Love how you were able to process it through writing. And glad you are OK.
realitybites;bt2090 said:
Really interesting post. Insightful. Love how you were able to process it through writing. And glad you are OK.
Thank you and yeah, I know my writing aint all that good, but it does help with stuff like this :o
Oh my god said:
Thank you and yeah, I know my writing aint all that good, but it does help with stuff like this :o

I think you express your thoughts and feelings very well. And you always have something interesting to share. Always enjoy reading your blog posts.

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