Jokes

Playcat2000

New Member
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
 

Playcat2000

New Member
A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.
One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey.
Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?"
"We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
 

CrystalGeezer

My secret's my enzyme.
You know what you get when you goose a ghost?

A handfull of sheet.

(Compliments of the kokopelli collector. :D)
 

kissmyshadestoo

Nobody ever looks at me twice
Why do ghosts go to a bar on Halloween?
For the "booze"!
 

Peterb

Well-Known Member
What lies at the bottom of the sea and swears?
Crude oil.
What fees do philosophers pay?
Socrates.
 

Playcat2000

New Member
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
 

Playcat2000

New Member
This little girl looks at her mom in the bathroom one day and says "mom you’re getting fat". Her mom explained how she has a baby growing in her stomach. The little girl replies "what's growing in your butt?"
 

CrystalGeezer

My secret's my enzyme.
Thor mopes on Mt. Olympus. Zeus asks him why he looks so depressed. Thor says that he misses the companionship and love of a woman. Zeus tells Thor that he will fix the problem by sending Thor down to Earth.

Thor lands in the backyard of a single woman. The two immediately start making love and continue all weekend.

After the weekend Thor is back at Mt. Olympus with a big grin on his face. Zeus asks Thor the great woman's name, but Thor admits that he never asked.

Horrified at his rudeness, Zeus sends Thor back down to find out the woman's name. Arriving in the same backyard, Thor calls out to the woman, "I wanted to tell you I'm Thor."

She yells, "You're thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit!"

------

This is my favorite lucky lisp joke that happens to be topical this weekend. :D Not because of giants dicks entering any vaginas, just because the movie is released. I mean I guess somewhere there's always a giant dick entering a vagina, just not here. Okay I'm going the stfu now.
 

kissmyshadestoo

Nobody ever looks at me twice
Celine Dion walks into a bar.......bartender says "So, why the long face?"
 

kissmyshadestoo

Nobody ever looks at me twice
Totally drunk guy staggers out of a bar and passes a nun walking down the street.

The drunk just starts beating the crap out of her, knocks her to the ground and then proceeds to kick her.

He stops for a moment to catch his breath and says...

"We're not so tough now are we Batman?"
 

Playcat2000

New Member
Dear Santa,

I’ve been bad a few times this year but it was worth it. You judgmental fat bastard!
 

CrystalGeezer

My secret's my enzyme.
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three – one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change-and not-change it.
 
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