Jokes

Playcat2000

New Member
One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
 

Playcat2000

New Member
My thoughts and prayers go out to all the men whose girlfriends are on their period this Valentine’s day.
 

CrystalGeezer

My secret's my enzyme.
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
 

Playcat2000

New Member
A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman. Soon he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. but the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until he took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, low and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Ann Widdecombe. That evening the Welshman brought Ann to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon he started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Ann and told her he hadn't been intimate with anyone for months.

Ann batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, "Could you take the dog for a walk."
 

Playcat2000

New Member
Q: What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?
A: a person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
 

Playcat2000

New Member
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says “Hey, you’re a handsome fellow.” The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says “Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You’re a smart man.” Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender “Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!” Bartender says “Don’t worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary.”
 

kissmyshadestoo

Nobody ever looks at me twice
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't pay $200 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

Awesome!

- - - Updated - - -

Q: What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?
A: a person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Love it!
 

Peterb

Well-Known Member
What fees do philosophers pay?
Socrates

What lies under the sea telling dirty jokes?
Crude oil.

A horse enters a bar.
Barman: Hey, why the long face?

The Frank Sinatra Section

Frank Sinatra saved my life. These guys were beating me up really badly when Frank
said, 'OK, he's had enough'.

This guy is in restuarant with a new girl friend he is desperate to impress.
He notices that Frank Sinatra is dining at a table nearby.
When his girlfriend is distracted he goes over and says:
"Hey Frank, I'm a great fan. I really want to impress my girlfreind. Could you come over
and say hello as if you know me?"
"Sure kid. Why not".
So a little later Frank comes over and says
"Hi, how you doing? Good to see you."
He replies
"f*** off Frank, can't you see I'm busy."
 

Playcat2000

New Member
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day.
What do you think it means?"
"You shall know tonight", he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it. She found a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".
 

Playcat2000

New Member
Q: Why do they call it the “Wonder bra”?
A: Because when she takes off the bra you wonder where the boobs went.
 

Playcat2000

New Member
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
 

Playcat2000

New Member
Man at the doctors: "I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass Of Home."

Doc: "That's what we call TJOCD."

Man: "What's that?"

Doc: "Tom Jones Obsessive Compulsive Disorder."

Man: "Is it common?"

Doc: "No, but it's not unusual..."
 

Playcat2000

New Member
I bought a dog from the local blacksmith. As soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door.



Hey, you’ve been a lovely crowd! Don’t forget to tip your waiters and my new cd is available at the door! :)
 
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