Post Whatever You Are Thinking At This Very Moment

There's not much life seems to offer at the moment is there? It's going to sound trite but this period has made me face myself. I'm still loathsome and incompatible with myself but it doesn't seem quite the trial I used to think it would be. So what? I don't like myself. I don't get on with myself. It's hardly a sin. The thing is, I'm carrying on like everyone else when I could have easily folded. I'm proud of myself. The life I've had could have seen me off years ago, but I managed to stick around without any help from anyone else. So yes. I'm damn proud of myself. I'm proud that I can talk to the doctor and say I've never considered suicide when it would have been so much easier to say I did feel that way. But I never have. It's one thing that's never crossed my mind however miserable I've felt.
I suspect you haven't felt the intensity of misery that I did, when I wanted to die. There's nothing else to wish for, at that point in time.
 
I'm happy but I'm also perturbed that I feel a little sad too. I guess tablets can't cure everything. I'd rather suspect that sadness is still there as long as it doesn't come too close. I can gaily wave to him from my window while knowing he knows where I live.
I feel a sadness sometimes that stems from a longing to be welcomed home. An idealistic home. My home is pretty idealistic, so I'm lucky, but I feel a longing to arrive at the finish line and be cheered and enveloped in hugs.
 
I feel lonely
This is nothing new
I will paint tonight
It will give me something to do

I once drew a dilapidated barn
As I sat on a tractor alone on a farm
It felt like a thread of sanity
In a world that couldn't have cared less

Today I seek that same thread
Though the world cares a bit
Loneliness pursues me
Have I earned it
 
I feel lonely
This is nothing new
I will paint tonight
It will give me something to do

I once drew a dilapidated barn
As I sat on a tractor alone on a farm
It felt like a thread of sanity
In a world that couldn't have cared less

Today I seek that same thread
Though the world cares a bit
Loneliness pursues me
Have I earned it
You need to work on your metre, dawg.
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Try clapping to the beat as you say the words.
 
I hope my manager doesn't ring me up tomorrow because I'll be slurring my words. If I ever know he's going to ring me and I've over indulged the night before, I practice singing my scales beforehand so that my voice doesn't sound too croaky. I've been putting the world to rights again, with the old man, David, on the Arboretum, today. He's a feisty soul. He gets wound up about Boris Johnson. He hates him. It's personal. He said he'd happily see him dead. He's been through a lot in his life and he has epilepsy.
Maybe life gave him epilepsy or BoFoe did. Drink a double espresso when you wake Dale. BUT, don’t light a fag X
 
I hope my manager doesn't ring me up tomorrow because I'll be slurring my words. If I ever know he's going to ring me and I've over indulged the night before, I practice singing my scales beforehand so that my voice doesn't sound too croaky. I've been putting the world to rights again, with the old man, David, on the Arboretum, today. He's a feisty soul. He gets wound up about Boris Johnson. He hates him. It's personal. He said he'd happily see him dead. He's been through a lot in his life and he has epilepsy.
Practice tongue twisters like "Slippery snails slither through my silver slippers."
 
One thing I'd love to do is get lost in a massive modern housing estate somewhere during the day, with plenty of pubs, and just drift. They wouldn't be olde world pubs with 'character'. They'd be new builds with big windows, and clean lines (a bit like my primary school). The sun would be shining, too. I've a feeling there'd be high rise flats around as well.
Yes Dale. The windows will be smeared, you wouldn't see the sun hun, having not been cleaned in 5 weeks and the seats uncomfortable. The barmaid wouldn't be warm and friendly but looking at her watch, hoping she could kick you out ASAP. It's 2021. Go to sleep.
 
There's this magical place in my head and I don't know whether I've dreamed it or whether I've experienced it in a previous incarnation, but it's come from somewhere. It's a housing estate and it's a new build and everyone has big windows in their houses and there are no old buildings at all. Everything's new. It's like a toy town. All the houses and buildings are geometrically shaped and it's about 2.30 on a weekday afternoon.
Sounds like my dad’s council flat in Camberwell. I was in heaven visiting, everything seemed so fashionable, big square windows, serving hatch in the tiny kitchen, all so much more exciting to me compared to my dated home, with dull dated furniture. If I say anymore I’ll sound snobby. My hobby. Goodnight Dear Dale.
 
There's this magical place in my head and I don't know whether I've dreamed it or whether I've experienced it in a previous incarnation, but it's come from somewhere. It's a housing estate and it's a new build and everyone has big windows in their houses and there are no old buildings at all. Everything's new. It's like a toy town. All the houses and buildings are geometrically shaped and it's about 2.30 on a weekday afternoon. And, of course, the sun is shining. Its a feeling I can't quite get back or recreate. A time and place that has left a residue but not quite enough to be able to get back there.
There is a place that is real and eternal but this world that we live in is a temporary illusion.
 
It's a difficult one. Would you prefer eternal life or taking a chance on what death has to offer? Mind you, I must say, that if these are the kind of questions that are being foisted upon you, life couldn't have been so much worth living, anyway. Remember, you should never have to cope with anything that is too scary to contemplate. Nothing should scare you. You should be allowed to be happy all the time.
I'd take eternal life if it's enjoyable. If not, then I think I'd prefer death.
 
There's no doubt in mind that no one should be expected to endure pain. Be it mental or physical. There's no earthly reason for it. No one is here to be 'tested' or here to 'validate' themselves. No one is here to build character (there's not enough time) You're here to enjoy yourself as best you can without hurting anyone else.
You're here to do your best.
 
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