Re: Post your First World Problems right here...
I have 3 bathrooms and 3 toilets in my house (oh poor Ghoul). I wanted to change them out for energy efficient ones. And I wanted to do it before my relatives visited in late September, because I wanted the house to look amazing and I wanted people to be like 'wow those toilets look so clean and new, it looks like you could eat off them.' One of the last things I needed when my relatives were here were any issues with toilets that were 7 years old! (Such as a faulty wax ring creating a flood...) I picked out 3 toilets from Home Depot. Then, I realized, at 3am, that all of these toilets were push button. As I already stated on the "tell something unusual about yourself" thread, I prefer toilets with levers, you know handles. So, I go on Home Depot's website and I start looking at 3am, knowing that the Handy Men are going to be at the Home Depot by 8am at the latest, be at my house at 9am, to install them and do about 18 other little things around the house...and be there for at least one day. So, not only do I have to select the toilet, I have to well...not sleep, call them, tell them to not pick up the will call items which included the 3 toilets and other things, to not pick those up, wait for my call, and when I have selected a toilet and changed the will call order, then they can come to the Home Depot (I have a car, they have a truck, otherwise I would have just brought the stuff home myself). Now, my ass is so big, I'm 6 feet tall and weigh 200 pounds and have a 36 inch waist so it's not like I'm fat or thin, but my ass is so big that in order to take a shit, I have to have the seat up and sit on the rim. If I try and take a dump with the seat down, ultimately that seat is going to become very loose, very fast, because I have to scoot up so as to not get poop on the seat, because of my large ass. Going further, my ass is so large that I cannot really shit on a toilet with a round bowl. The bowl must be oblong.
So, I needed a toilet, with a lever, oblong or oval, not round, that was in stock, and around $100. I wasn't going for any name brand (though a built in bidet would have caught my eye). I will know I have made it in this world when I have air hockey, a foosball table, a bidet, and one of those push button hand blow dryers that Madonna dried her armpit with in "Desperately Seeking Susan." When I have those 4 things in my house, not a BMW, but those 4 things, I will have "won" in the game of life. So, I found a toilet that was purportedly in stock, to be precise there were six left that met my requirements, six of the same exact toilet for $119. Fine. I went back to bed for about 3 hours. I got to the Home Depot, early, and five of the six were gone, the only one left was "missing a flapper" (cue F. Scott Fitzgerald). I said 'I'm not going to get a toilet that has been purchased and returned, I'll find another.' I go to that section, the box on the "missing flapper" toilet was clearly open. Now, that same toilet in round was available, there were about 50 of those in stock, but like I said I need the oval bowl. Clara from cabinets comes over and asks if she can help. I said 'Clara, we've talked before about cabinets and stuff but I'm looking for a toilet. Where's Mike, the Master Plumber?' Clara said 'Mike has the day off, but you know, it's the SAME department.' Really. So, I look and there's only one toilet in stock that has an oval bowl with a lever. The others are all round with push button, round with levers, but not oval with levers. The one in stock is a Kohler - $150 - and it's 14 1/2 inches tall. The others I bought that are waiting to be picked up are 16 1/2 inches tall.
I say 'So Clara, you know I'm 6 feet tall and I noticed these toilets are 2 inches shorter than the others I bought.' (I pointed out the others). 'Do you think this will be a problem?' Clara says 'no not at all, the other toilets you bought are simply handicap accessible. I assure you the ones that came with your house are 14 1/2 inches for that is the standard size. You know they actually sent me to BFE to train for this stuff for weeks!' I swap out one of the 16 1/2 inch push button oval shaped toilets for this 14 1/2 inch lever toilet with oval bowl, this $50 more, Kohler toilet. My handymen, one of whom is a plumber pick up the stuff after receiving my call and arrive at my house. They install the 2 push button, 16 1/2 inch, oval bowl shaped toilets in the guest bathrooms. Then, my plumber calls me over. He asks me to sit on the Kohler toilet that is 2 inches shorter and asks me 'how does it feel?' to which I feel like replying 'like a rolling stone.' As I squat there, in something more than a hole in the ground, but less than a full-fledged toilet, I can't find the words to express my feelings. He says 'for me, you know, I am only 5 foot 5 inches, so for me it's fine but you're kind of tall.' I call Home Depot, rant a bit to the manager, yes they can swap it out but they won't be getting any oval shaped ones with a lever in the time I need it, other than one that I guess wipes your ass for you for $249. I advise him to have a word with Clara and that I will keep the little guy. The call ends with 'you know I'm the one that has to LIVE with this thing!'
My plumber installs the shrimp in the Master Bathroom - my bathroom. My only consolation being the Master has a Kohler tub and this is a Kohler when all other plumbing fixtures (aside from toilets) in the entire house are Moen. Also, the Master Bathroom has what I can only describe as a toilet closet. So there's this nice shower, a separate garden tub, his and her sinks, but the toilet is literally in this small space with an angled door that can only fit a toilet and a toilet roll holder. Even a plunger or that toilet bowl cleaning brush, even those mess up the entire feng shui of that 'toilet closet.' It is installed. I squat. I throw my back out. I squat. I throw my back out. In time, I get used to it. Now, I f***ing love the little guy! I took a python-sized dump in there the other day. I thought no way 1.28 gallons of water is going to take this bad boy down...but it did! As one reviewer wrote, 'it appears to rely first on suction and then on water.' Maybe so. Gravity fed?
I would post a pic. But then someone would tell me that the bowl is "round." No, it is oval, elongated, oblong, etc! Don't go breaking my heart / don't go breaking my arse...