Release Me

My week didn`t start out so well. I started the new med my psychiatrist prescribed to me last week and it didn`t agree with me. It made me sick to my stomach. I won`t be taking that again. When I saw him last week he also prescribed something that would help my anxiety during the day. I took it today and it made me feel tired. I also take it at night. My meds tend to make me sleep a lot and if I don`t take them I don`t sleep at all. I think they make me feel numb and lifeless or maybe it`s the illness itself. I don`t know.

When I`m feeling my worst sleeping too much doesn`t matter much to me . Sometimes sleep is the only escape from my mind. The same goes for feeling numb. At least I`m not feeling the pain. I think that`s one of the reasons I used to self harm. I wanted to feel alive. At the moment I don`t feel alive I just feel like I`m existing. I feel dull and lifeless.

I have a plastic box where I kept my self harm tools. My tool of choice were razor blades. I also used broken glass,craft knives ect.. I even used cigarette and candle lighters to hurt myself. Anyway I also kept bandages and gauze and medical tape in there to tend to my wounds. I still have that plastic box and a package of fresh blades in a dresser drawer . I don`t know why I`ve kept them . They all just tempt me to go back and start that again.
I passed by the candle lighters in the store and I was tempted to buy one. I wonder if the temptation is ever going to go away or am I always going to long for that release. I`m not going to lie I miss that release. I could breath free and easy after that . I usually went to sleep after that. Sleep doesn`t usually come easy for me without meds. Of course there is a price to pay for that. Just ask my scars. I hate them. I hate what I`ve done to myself and I have to live with it every day.

I don`t know what I`m going to do. I don`t know what to do. My body and mind are exhausted. I want to feel something other than this, I don`t want to be numb but I don`t want to hurt anymore. I want happiness and I want my life to be meaningful. I just don`t know how to achieve that with this illness. Sometimes I think it`s too late and that life has passed me by.


There are no comments to display.

Blog entry information

Last update

More entries in General

More entries from Tibby

Share this entry

Top Bottom