Scar Tissue

I hate the ugly scars on my arm.It`s my fault that they are there though.I made them.I made them by carving into my arm with razors and broken glass or just anything sharp that I thought would do the job.I also burned my arm with matches or lighters.I would do anything to make those feelings go away even if it was just for a moment.The physical pain was better than the mental pain.Funnily enough I sometimes wouldn`t feel any pain while hurting myself.I was so outside of myself that I couldn`t feel anything.I suppose that was another reason to self harm......just to feel something.....anything.It was better than feeling so numb.

I don`t remember how I got the idea that hurting myself was a good way to reduce my mental anguish.I remember how it started though.One day I just remember scratching myself with my fingernails until a wound formed.I then moved on from there.I found that self harming would either make me feel alive when I was numb and felt dead inside or it would dull the pain I felt inside. I don`t think the momentary relief was worth it though.It wasn`t worth the price I paid for it.The price I paid were with these scars and I have to carry them with me every day.

I do not view self harm as much as option anymore.It used to be my main coping mechanism but not so much anymore.I really hope my thinking continues to see it in those terms.I know it`s not a traditional way of thinking about something like this but sometimes I miss it.Especially those days when things get really difficult and I can`t stand being inside my head anymore that`s when I miss that temporary shot of relief that it can provide.But I think I know better now.....it`s just not worth it.

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Tibby
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