Shame Is The Name

I'm up late tonight and I don`t feel like going to bed either.I don`t know if that`s good or bad.I am just listening to music right now.Music has always given me pleasure except when I am in my worst states. That has
always been one of the worst things I felt in my depressions.That is the inability to enjoy the things I most love.It`s like living a dull,flat,empty existence.I`d like to think I`m a creative person and when I`m going through the depression my head feels empty.I feel numb and lifeless.I`ve mentioned this before but I have been diagnosed as bipolar 2.When I get that depressed I start to miss the times when I`ve been hypomanic.Those are the times when I talk too fast and have racing thoughts and have more energy than usual.I think it`s kind of funny when I get this way because I am usually such a quiet,reserved person.I mostly keep my feelings inside and I am more of listener than a talker.I guess I prefer it that way.I do feel hopelessly awkward a great deal of the time.I feel it easier to write things out than to talk about them.I guess that`s why I found therapy so hard.I just felt it was hard to talk about my feelings.I don`t go anymore.I just see the psychiatrist now.He`s nice and everything but I just hate that I have to go.I guess a part of it is the shame I feel because mental illness still has a stigma attached to it.I feel the same shame when I go pick up my meds at the pharmacy.I know I shouldn`t feel that shame but still it`s there. I feel I also wear my shame on my sleeve quite literally with all my self harm scars on arms.At one point I thought of then as battle scars(from the battle going on in my head).Now I hate them.I look at them and hate what I`ve done to myself.I think to myself how could you have done that to yourself. Then I remember why I took that cold,sharp metal to my skin and carved on myself.I did it for the temporary relief it gave me,it let me breathe a little free and easy for a little while.I don`t know if it was worth it..... temporary relief=permanent scars.There`s nothing I can do about it now though.I don`t what I wished to accomplish with this entry but I guess I just had some things on my mind.

Comments

Hello Sweet Tibby,
I know what you accomplished with this entry!
You were OUTSIDE looking in, instead of INSIDE looking out.
I think this may be the first truly objective post, (re:your situation), that I recall.
You don't sound, down in it, I guess, for lack of a better term.
And I also saw something that so many people who have manic states mention when they are in a calm,
or what they may even see as a "boring" phase, you miss that hypomanic rush.
It's because of the chemicals rushing around in you that cause you to be that way, they feel so much more normal and functional compared to the low dopamine, recycled seratonin states of depression.
Yeah, I was smiling the whole time I was reading this.
Not because of the content, but because of the place your mind was situated when you wrote it!!
It looks very much like progress!
Hold on to this objectivity, it will help you. This is the mindset out of the wilderness. These are the day glow orange pebbles you left as a trail out when you wandered in!!
Remember what got you here, recreate it, visit this same view. Listen to whatever music you listened to writing it, re-read this passage. But, come back here, hang out, and write some more stuff!
This is your therapy! And there's no shame in picking up scripts.
If they are finally helping, let them. If the bastards on the pharmacist's platform are passing judgment, they shouldn't be peddling in pharmaceuticals, should they?!
I think this is true progress!!
Perspective is EVERYTHING!
Love you,
Be Well, Be Happy,
Charlie
 
Hi Tibbs

I have to agree with what Charlie said. I think this is definitely one of the few times you've been very open and reflective about what you've been going through for so long now. It is progress. I felt happy for you while reading this because it sounds like to me that you are feeling okay. And even if that feeling is temporary it's still progress. I'd love to read more entries like this one from you. So please take Charlie's advice. As always I wish you the very best! ♡
 
Hey Tibbs ,

I don't think mental illness is any sort of character flaw or moral failing so why shame ? Of course , shame ( sadly enough ) doesn't always respond to rational inquiry !

It's good to see you almost shaking your head in what seems like bewilderment at the thought of self-harm. That really does sound like an improvement over the ideas of the past. I like that you don't necessarily see the scars as "battle scars" so much as just maybe a horrible series of accidental injuries. Why accidental ? I suppose because I'd argue serious mental illness tends to warp things like intent and direction ...

Anyhow , please take care, Tibbs ...

yours ,

123xyz
 
Thanks for all your comments Charlie,HIG and 123xyz.I hope you all are well.

Charlie~Thank you again for your comments.I really didn`t realize my entry was so different than what I had written before.It honestly just came pouring out of my head that day.I guess I had a few things on my mind.Thanks so much for your advice and very kind and wise words they do mean alot to me.

Always,

Tibbs

HIG~Like I said to Charlie I didn`t realize I had written anything that different than what I usually write in my blog.What I usually write in my blog is what I need to get off my chest.Thank you for pointing this out to me.I have just been thinking about alot of this stuff for a long time.

Thanks Again,

Tibbs

123xyz~Thanks for helping me view things in a different perspective.I haven`t self harmed in while.I`m not going to lie sometimes the relief it has given me in the past makes it still seem like something I can turn to when things get really bad inside my head.But these days I seem to think about it a little while more and it really doesn`t seem like a great option.Thanks again for your comments they really made it seem as HIG said like some progress has been made in this area.

Please take care of yourself too.

Sincerely,

Tibbs
 
Thanks for all your comments Charlie,HIG and 123xyz.I hope you all are well.

Charlie~Thank you again for your comments.I really didn`t realize my entry was so different than what I had written before.It honestly just came pouring out of my head that day.I guess I had a few things on my mind.Thanks so much for your advice and very kind and wise words they do mean alot to me.

Always,

Tibbs

HIG~Like I said to Charlie I didn`t realize I had written anything that different than what I usually write in my blog.What I usually write in my blog is what I need to get off my chest.Thank you for pointing this out to me.I have just been thinking about alot of this stuff for a long time.

Thanks Again,

Tibbs

123xyz~Thanks for helping me view things in a different perspective.I haven`t self harmed in while.I`m not going to lie sometimes the relief it has given me in the past makes it still seem like something I can turn to when things get really bad inside my head.But these days I seem to think about it a little while more and it really doesn`t seem like a great option.Thanks again for your comments they really made it seem as HIG said like some progress has been made in this area.

Please take care of yourself too.

Sincerely,

Tibbs
 
Dear tibbywinkles,

Please note that the following is composed on my iPad, so there may be some weird mistakes due to autocorrect....

Glad you're not doing the self-injury thing these days. Quitting that shit is hard and requires a lot of work, so congratulations to you! It's a means of coping that seems to have run its course for you.... What made me realize that I didn't need to SI any more was seeing that other people would cause me far more damage of an invisible variety. That, and I'm really very vain.

Please know that being shy and square is really hip and aware! Introvert pride nation-wide, baby!!! I have plenty of mental health problems as well. But I'm like f*** ALL OF YOU COZ I AM CRAZYYYYYYY. That's my perspective because normal people will never see the beauty and ugliness of the world as we do, tibbywinkles. They can't because they are too cowardly to look at themselves, to look inward and hold oneself in hard judgement; they can't and won't evaluate their true shortcomings, their true virtues. They will eat their hamburgers mindlessly until the day they die having had no insight into anything, especially themselves.

We are special, Tibby. Embarace the special weirdness. f*** those who can't appreciate the weirdness, the horrible awkwardness, the long silences in conversation and the ability to stare into oneself honestly. They are the dishonest f***ed up ones. Not us.

Lots of unicorns and glitter from Faerieland,

S.
 
Hey S.

Glad to hear from you.Thanks for your awesome comments!

Yeah I haven`t hurt myself in while.I must admit though that sometimes I still think about it when my brain seems to be determined to torment me .But I think about it and it doesn`t seem to be worth it anymore.I guess I don`t want anymore scars.

I will try harder to embrace my special weirdness. :) :).

Dancing with the unicorns in all that glitter......

Tibbs
 

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