The perfect shit

Mozza220559

Surmontil 50
Let's try and make this forum a bit more sophisticated...

For me toilet time is one that's most sacred.

What are your rituals and what constitutes the perfect shit?

For me it has to be when you produce an almighty lump of turd and find it disappears down the pan and you hardly have to wipe. For me it's called "The Majestic" because it slips out, no problems and makes itself scarce without a fuss. It's a model shit by which all other shits are judged.


What's yours!?
 

MORRIZSEY

Wrong species
Let's try and make this forum a bit more sophisticated...

For me toilet time is one that's most sacred.

What are your rituals and what constitutes the perfect shit?

For me it has to be when you produce an almighty lump of turd and find it disappears down the pan and you hardly have to wipe. For me it's called "The Majestic" because it slips out, no problems and makes itself scarce without a fuss. It's a model shit by which all other shits are judged.


What's yours!?

When can I introduce you to my parents?
 

CrystalGeezer

My secret's my enzyme.
:rofl:
 

Mozza220559

Surmontil 50
You took the photos then burned them. Grow up and come clean. You drank tea in my house and ate a scone. Admit it. The other stuff I will ignore and pass off as 'you'

Oh you know what. Sod you. I still have the pictures. Are you telling me we didn't have anything. You're full of shit Moz, explain yourself!
 

CrystalGeezer

My secret's my enzyme.
Oh you know what. Sod you. I still have the pictures. Are you telling me we didn't have anything. You're full of shit Moz, explain yourself!

Yeah but is he full of the perfect shit? :cool:
 

BrummieBoy

BrummieBoy
Every #2 is different and so long as the toilet is clean and doesn't have a reminder of a previous user, I find that time to be a peaceful interlude and often quite pleasurable. But then, I always was into my prostate.

The Japanese have hi-tech loos, and the Germans like to inspect a dump before they flush. Apparently you can gauge your health from insepecting the output of your colon. As for The French, well they have that whole wash and blow-dry bidet thing. When I travelled in France as a teenager, they still had those crouch and dump things, no seat. And they had unisex loos too.

A soundtrack list would be good, starting with the rather obvious "Ring Of Fire" for those post-curry emergencies. I'm not sure if "curry" ever reached Hull, but it's very, very popular in the Midlands. We call it "balti". There was/is a restaurant called "I Am The King Of The Balti!". The toilets there were.....indescribable, after midnight.

And dont' forget The Festival Toilet Experience. And the Club Toilet where someone tries to spray you with scent then asks for a couple of quid. They should spray the cubicle. I bet Moz's assistant who is the grindr of salt also sprays toilets with outrageous expensive perfume before The Morrissey Dump can take place, hopefully washing hands between tasks! And no one else is allowed in the toilet in case they film or record Moz trying to squeeze one out. Madonna insists on a brand new toilet at every gig, but that's just being a Diva. Thank goodness, Moz is not a diva.

http://digitaljournal.com/blog/21151

Moz seems to have been thrown into a latrine at some stage as he complained of being dragged through 50 miles of shit and not liking it. Perhaps he went to the wrong club and ended up in a fetish dungeon?

At 52, I have piles now and then, so a tube of ointment is always nearby. You can use that stuff on your eyes as well to get that Botox effect, but wash your hands first...

Morrissey's toilet experiences in Lima also need to be discussed but only tastefully. Also, does he use the toilet on the tour bus with the rest of the band, or does he have his own private toilet? How does he cope with toilets on long-distance flights from London to L.A? Does he use loperamide like I do so you can postpone a dump.

Finally, there's that whole foot-tapping, glory-hole nonsense to factor in. Some toilets in the UK mix sex and shit in a very anti-social way. And that's probably another reason why public conveniences are now in danger of disappearing with people in danger of dropping dead in distress:

-http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2358088/Closure-public-toilets-increasesrisk-heart-attacks-strokes-health-experts-warn.html

My ideal toilet experience would be one where I could open the doors without touching them, and flush without touching anything. Then use a Dyson airblade to avoid all those rank paper towels and having to touch a dryer button. I'm not a fan of music in general. We have geraniums in our toilets which release a lovely scent by crushing a few leaves.

I trust this information is helpful to your research project.
With every good wish. Yours, in jubilo!

http://www.dysonairblade.co.uk/



I think this thread may become quite notorious......I will refrain from viewing it any further....

regards.
 

smiffy

dont leave us in the dark
BB, never mind my perfect shit, I nearly pissed myself at the length of your reply to this topic.
Most offer a short snippet, but directly to the point, you've offered, in old money, a full side of A4, and a link for Dyson, Excellent...
I shall read your reply now as I have a spare 20 minutes.
Keep up the good work.
 

Mozza220559

Surmontil 50
Yes your perfect shit is all well and good, but to me you were describing what you want like some sort of Renton style internal monologue, where he dreams of marble bathroom with flunkies handing him raw silk. Get some perspective maaan.

Although must admit the Airblade is good, we have them at work.

Don't you all enjoy a good well earned chod after a hard days graft? I'm sure Moz parks a colossal food baby after his gigs, or after he's being out buying candles, maybe they're for his bathroom?

I have issue though shitting at work, someone always comes in and it puts me off.

Lets try and see if Aesthenine replies. I bet she has lovely poetic shits.
 

BrummieBoy

BrummieBoy
BB, never mind my perfect shit, I nearly pissed myself at the length of your reply to this topic.
Most offer a short snippet, but directly to the point, you've offered, in old money, a full side of A4, and a link for Dyson, Excellent...
I shall read your reply now as I have a spare 20 minutes.
Keep up the good work.

I could have mentioned Kenneth Wiliams, but Moz got there first. I could also have mentioned de Sade and Pasolini and rimming...but..."BrummieBoy is me!"....etc
 

Playcat2000

New Member
I don’t know what the women in my office are eating but they stink up the ladies room every time and when I go in just to pee I have to hold my breath and then the person who comes in after me thinks I’m the one who stunk it up cause the rotten broccoli/egg smell takes forever to dissipate!
 
L

Luke Action McClure

Guest
I don’t know what the women in my office are eating but they stink up the ladies room every time and when I go in just to pee I have to hold my breath and then the person who comes in after me thinks I’m the one who stunk it up cause the rotten broccoli/egg smell takes forever to dissipate!

Good excuse. It's obviously you and your rotten powdered-egg turds that are befouling your office.

Why don't you just retire? You're more than eligible.
 

Peterb

Well-Known Member
My God, there is actually a thread about number 2's?
How gross yet appropriate for a Moz fan site.
 

BrummieBoy

BrummieBoy
My God, there is actually a thread about number 2's?
How gross yet appropriate for a Moz fan site.

"
I was trapped on a loo
trapped on a loo,
a metal loo in Peru
metal Peru, oh! boo-hoo!
my career ends as
endless #2?
but I will always remain
Peru To You
so do not mock my runny poos
or that I cancelled the shows
and ran off on you
you would do too
if it happened to you.
oh, it's my poop and I'll cry if I want to
cry if I want to
you would cry too if trapped by #2's"

"Immodium": Nirvana

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fq7PLvtKcJw
 

Mozza220559

Surmontil 50
What's everyone's reading material when you're on the porcelain throne?

For me it's a copy of Viz or failing that I just read the directions of the glade air spray as I part ways with a sticky mars bar.

Or failing that I play Candy Crush until my nipsy turns outwards and i'm ready for the Andrex to don my chasm.
 
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CrystalGeezer

My secret's my enzyme.
What's everyone's reading material when you're on the porcelain throne?

For me it's a copy of Viz or failing that I just read the directions of the glade air spray as I part ways with a sticky mars bar.

Or failing that I play Candy Crush until my nipsy turns outwards and i'm ready for the Andrex to don my chasm.

I play FLOW on my phone. I almost can't poop without it now.

Also I think I found the food that creates the perfect poo per post #1, the kind that slide out nicely and you barely have to wipe. Black beans.
 
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