What is love?

[realitybites]

Lol, I had a vision of Rick in The Walking Dead, pushing the sofa aginst the door, and lying there, wounded... That's about right, only I'm in a much better shape than him at the moment! Poor guy.

As far as councelling is concerned, I thought about it, but a good professional in this area seems, by all accounts, a bit tricky to find. It would take ages to explain the situation to one without sounding like a nutcase, too. An exhausting job. Maybe I'm just lazy. I just seek self-help on the internet.

Funnily enough, I've had two friends who experienced the same thing. Birds of a feather...It's taught me a lot about the kind of person this type of guy (yes it's a man) preys upon. Recently I saw a psychologist explain that they don't really prey on the weak. They have to find someone with, he said, "inner richness". Of course. They can't feed on empty beings. So my two friends are generous, kind, interested in other people. Still, they have a weakness in them that responds to this kind of person. That's how they fell for those guys. And I'm more or less the same.

I am not going to lie, yes, I've been terribly angry and I've felt extremely powerless. But on the whole now I'm much more philosophical about it. First of all I know now that I don't have to feel guilty about this. And I know I'm far from being the only one to whom this sort of thing has happened. And finally, I know that whatever happened to this person to make him act this way happened long before my time on earth, probably around the age of 5, when they got lost trying to solve the famous Oedipal complex. (Much more lost than me it seems.)

So in the end there's really noone to blame. It's just an unfortunate situation one has to cope with. Thankfully I have friends and a supportive family. Even though I can't tell them everything, a few of them have got enough instinct to know there's something not nice going on in my life at times. That's enough for me at the moment. And I support my friend who's trying to get rid of her own "monster". I tell her I can't judge her because I went through the same kind of thing, I know what it's like, and I encourage her to be strong. I tell her she doesn't have to be used, she deserves to be loved by a non-psychopath and I'm even plotting for her to meet one of my single friends who displays none of the psycho traits she's used to. If it works out I'll possibly grin non-stop for a month or two. Of course it might not work out because we are all keen on repeating the same mistakes so that when someone different comes along, it's not appealing. But I love a challenge. And it could be the first step for her.

Solidarity is a wonderful thing, I find.
Thanks for listening RB.

Solidarity IS wonderful. That is why it is so important to share our stories with one another. We are as sick as out secrets. You sound like you have a firm understanding of what it was all about. You have done your homework and I gather are on the road to healing. No counseling seems needed. Thanks for reaching out and sharing. Your insight helps others even if you aren't privy to this firsthand.

 

[realitybites]

What a grand thing, to be loved!
What a grander thing still, to love!

- Victor Hugo -



There is no remedy for love but to love more.

- Thoreau -

 

[Deleted member 24049]

Love is simply loving others more than yourself.

Love makes the world go round. But so does a lot of vodka.

 

[Iona Mink]

 

[fenner]

 

[Anonymous]

He is incapable of self-analysis,
he needs to reassert some form of control over me.


.

I mean his sincerely. More "I" statements and less him statement

If this refers to a relationship, You may have some of your own problems that allowed you to be drawn to him. Who are you to direct his inner workings. I would like to hear, I self analyze and I don't relate to him. No one controls us more than the control we give them. I would like to hear, I feel helpless because I allow him to control me. You sound like you are hurting, you have to take charge here or this will be the example of your life over and over. There is something about you that accepted this. Find out what that is and you will work toward solving problems. FYI, I don't condone shitbag behavior, so I believe every thing you say about him.. As an outsider I just wonder how you, yes YOU, got where you are in this mess.

If this is a troll, he totally owns you and why would you let him.

True victims are always children and the mentally ill. If you are those, please excuse me.

 

[Anonymous]

I mean his sincerely. More "I" statements and less him statement

If this refers to a relationship, You may have some of your own problems that allowed you to be drawn to him. Who are you to direct his inner workings. I would like to hear, I self analyze and I don't relate to him. No one controls us more than the control we give them. I would like to hear, I feel helpless because I allow him to control me. You sound like you are hurting, you have to take charge here or this will be the example of your life over and over. There is something about you that accepted this. Find out what that is and you will work toward solving problems. FYI, I don't condone shitbag behavior, so I believe every thing you say about him.. As an outsider I just wonder how you, yes YOU, got where you are in this mess.

If this is a troll, he totally owns you and why would you let him.

True victims are always children and the mentally ill. If you are those, please excuse me.

I'm a child..according to law.

 

[realitybites]

 

[Oh my god. it's Robby!]

I can't believe how long it took for someone to post this .gif.

its the 1st thing I thought of when I saw this thread

 

[Anonymous]

I mean his sincerely. More "I" statements and less him statement

If this refers to a relationship, You may have some of your own problems that allowed you to be drawn to him. Who are you to direct his inner workings. I would like to hear, I self analyze and I don't relate to him. No one controls us more than the control we give them. I would like to hear, I feel helpless because I allow him to control me. You sound like you are hurting, you have to take charge here or this will be the example of your life over and over. There is something about you that accepted this. Find out what that is and you will work toward solving problems. FYI, I don't condone shitbag behavior, so I believe every thing you say about him.. As an outsider I just wonder how you, yes YOU, got where you are in this mess.

If this is a troll, he totally owns you and why would you let him.

True victims are always children and the mentally ill. If you are those, please excuse me.

You are totally right, (I'm the anon who wrote the original post.) I may have made it sound like I was a victim first. But at the end I sort of explained it in other terms. It takes two to tango, apparently. It's reasonable to accept I should work on me first instead of expecting him to change. But I had this hope once we could both work on ourselves (which I fully communicated to the other party ). I thought whatever brought us together (except that we're not and have never been together) could be turned into something positive.

I don't think I have a victim mentality. I think that besides wanting to be liked by someone who paid attention to me (a common enough need, you will agree), the biggest force at play here is my hatred of bullies, of hierarchy, of authority. I've always had a "problem" with that, just like anyone on earth who is treated like a doormat has. My big problem is I can't ignore people who try to dominate me. I'd rather torture myself thinking of ways to get back at them, which of course never works...If this dominance they aim to establish tries to pose as "affection", all hell breaks loose and I find myself in the uncomfortable position of trying to learn a large nasty over-confident troll manners and respect. So far, it hasn't worked at all. I thought with time and rebuke said troll would give up. He is not. It's annoying. Because of course in my mind I should win, as I'm good and he's not. (Of course I'm sure plenty of people would think it's the opposite...There are people who think Lucius Malfoy is a nice guy...)

I did try to fight. I probably didn't fight the right way. Maybe there isn't one in this case. There very probably isn't one in this case. So yes, you're right, I should just close my eyes and wait for it to reach its natural end. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't, and want to beat someone up. I'm just human.

As I get older though everything just mellows. No matter how much shit the world throws at you you do have an inner sanctum. No matter how much shit you throw back at people, they too have peace. No matter how dysfunctional you are, you can still sort of function.
It'd only be much nicer if we could all just get along, meditate together or something, rise above it. Apparently though I'm the only one into that sort of thing...

If I'm mentally ill, it's only in a VanGoghesque, creative way. Nothing to worry about. And I'm very in touch with my inner child, yes (but not in a JimmySavillesque way. thank God).

 

[sad veiled bride]

What a grand thing, to be loved!
What a grander thing still, to love!

- Victor Hugo -



There is no remedy for love but to love more.

- Thoreau -

So true

 

[Girl-Afraid]

 

[No1uno]

I was flipping through the photos on my phone today and saw a picture I took about a month ago. I thought maybe our boy Steve may still be reading his thread. Since it seems he may have trouble in this area, I would give him a glimpse. There have been some great examples in the thread so far.

Love is, after being married for many years, raising kids, being the best people you could be to each other, there could be a time where at any moment it could change. But instead of watching it fade, you realized with the tiniest action that all is right in the world. You are walking with your wife, enjoying beautiful views of neighborhoods and the bay. Without prompting, with all the years of history together, she reaches out and holds your hand while your looking away. Almost as to let you know she is right there with you and real. When she did it this particular day it was not un-normal for her or us. But it swept over me so clearly that we are together, we are one. A moment I recognized and did not let it go flying by without recognizing internally it's importance. She thought I was silly because I told her I wanted to take a picture of her hand in mine. This is my moment, captured in my life, here for you to witness.

 

[Mozza220559]

What is love?

Hmm, that's a toughie.

I'd say probably not breaking your child's arm.

 

[Luke Action McClure]

I guess I’m just down on love right now having lost a guy to man. Than can really put a damper on someone’s outlook on love. At the same time, I have to laugh about it!

LOL. Your first ever bang and you managed to turn a guy gay. Good one. You go girl.

 

[The Bicycle Tragedy]

I hate the word love; its elasticity has become so worn that it's now just a useless catch all for an imagined emotional state.

One can "love" another, certainly, but in the sense of affinity, or recognition that as human beings we are all basically one entity. I believe you can "love" your kids or your friends and your family and it feels like a different, more intense bond than that which you would feel for the average stranger, but it's all the same thing, the same mental/psychological glue as any other love. Just more developed; more focused. There are not different kinds of love.

Romantic love is total bullshit; it's chemically/hormonally based and people use it to describe this "sacred union" they have with someone else...but it isn't sacred, it isn't special; it's just two dumb people who invariably are too weak to be alone, following natural instincts to copulate which, unless you're a sexual deviant, generally involves a willing member of the opposite sex, and there's all these little things hardwired into your brain to facilitate the breeding process physically. Those things have to be there, or nobody would do it because let's be honest who in their right minds would have a kid by choice?

Most disgusting is when new couples form and they think it is so profound; that their togetherness is so magical and intense. I f***ing hate that shit, it makes me ill. There's no profundity. And the feeling passes anyway...which is when they become codependent, if they can't find somebody else.

Love. Bunch of bullshit.

 

[realitybites]

I hate the word love; its elasticity has become so worn that it's now just a useless catch all for an imagined emotional state.

One can "love" another, certainly, but in the sense of affinity, or recognition that as human beings we are all basically one entity. I believe you can "love" your kids or your friends and your family and it feels like a different, more intense bond than that which you would feel for the average stranger, but it's all the same thing, the same mental/psychological glue as any other love. Just more developed; more focused. There are not different kinds of love.

Romantic love is total bullshit; it's chemically/hormonally based and people use it to describe this "sacred union" they have with someone else...but it isn't sacred, it isn't special; it's just two dumb people who invariably are too weak to be alone, following natural instincts to copulate which, unless you're a sexual deviant, generally involves a willing member of the opposite sex, and there's all these little things hardwired into your brain to facilitate the breeding process physically. Those things have to be there, or nobody would do it because let's be honest who in their right minds would have a kid by choice?

Most disgusting is when new couples form and they think it is so profound; that their togetherness is so magical and intense. I f***ing hate that shit, it makes me ill. There's no profundity. And the feeling passes anyway...which is when they become codependent, if they can't find somebody else.

Love. Bunch of bullshit.

I agree with this 100%. It is probably why I am single.

I love the high of being in love. But when that fades, if there is not a friendship or deep respect for that person, I will lose interest. And that feeling of being in love lasts how long exactly? Not very long. And chances are I don't even really know or like that person very much. But I thought I 'loved' them. That is until the chemicals that bathed my brain in the delusion of love dissipate. Then I am left with someone and don't know what to do with them. I don't want to do the co-dependent thing. Not my style. I am a shark, not a swan. So I become single again. And start chasing that next high. It is about feeling good. Not about a contract. Or buying a house together. Or raising kids. Romantic love is about chemicals, like you said. And sex. Sexual attraction disguised as interest in the person and their lives.

Love for my son and mother are different. It is not a delusion brought on by pheromones and hormones. They are real stable relationships that have become strong over time.

I like having both. Key is to not try to make the first seem like it is of the second type.

Sadly, I still buy into all that romantic love BS in film and books. I don't know why exactly. And it is not a good thing. Because those stories tell me there is something wrong with me because I don't want those things. Or can't have them. Or can't sustain a (co-dependent) relationship.

I want sex and passion. But I don't want to hold your hand while we walk down the beach. We are not one. We will never be one. I am me, you are you. Stop being so clingy.

I asked my mom recently why I can't be like everyone else--happily married for years. She said, "It's not for you. You never wanted those things. You were always so independent." She is right. And as I get older and crave sex less, I am less inclined to shack up just to get those needs met. It gets easier being a shark when your hormone levels drop. The urge to merge lessens. Thank gawd.

That is why dating is kind of a joke for me. For what? For a long-term relationship? Someone to DO things with? I am an indoors person who loves being alone. Sex? Well he better be freaking good in bed or a hand will do the trick.

 

[Oh my god. it's Robby!]

OK, love is often not all that and the word has lost a lot of its "true meaning" 99.999% of the time
but f*** man, lighten up will yous?
I mean I am single too and possibly incapable of being monogamous if recent history is any judge
but still, it could happen, right? lightning can strike twice
I don't think so, but I want to believe it
[video]www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-MHECOqrwM[/video]

 

[CrystalGeezer]

I think my dog knows love. Yesterday was one of those days that went from bad to worse. I'm not a cryer much unless I'm in pain or things die. Barney normally sleeps on the couch or in the the guest bedroom, or if there's fireworks at the foot of the bed. Yesterday he witnessed a fair share of sobbing and slept all night on the pillow next to my head. When I closed my eyes he was there. WHen I opened them he was there. Then I tossed and turned he was there. I never felt alone. THat's love, empathy, reaching out the only way he can.

 

[The Bicycle Tragedy]

I think my dog knows love. Yesterday was one of those days that went from bad to worse. I'm not a cryer much unless I'm in pain or things die. Barney normally sleeps on the couch or in the the guest bedroom, or if there's fireworks at the foot of the bed. Yesterday he witnessed a fair share of sobbing and slept all night on the pillow next to my head. When I closed my eyes he was there. WHen I opened them he was there. Then I tossed and turned he was there. I never felt alone. THat's love, empathy, reaching out the only way he can.

Dogs are weird. And I am not a big fan of dogs, but a few months ago I came home from work and all the lights were on; this alarmed me because my roommate (housemate) was supposed to be at work. As I got up the steps and unlocked the front door I could hear her little dog (who is usually quite docile and quiet) barking incessantly and whining, even. My roommate, it turned out, had come home halfway through her shift, was going through some kind of depression episode, and had been sobbing for at least an hour. The dog (her dog) was extremely upset by this. I found that empathic bond fascinating. I took her out for beer and she felt better (the roommate, not the dog.) (But then the dog too, by proxy.)

Beer: it's the thing.